Guilt & Shame

I find the feelings of guilt and shame to be so challenging, both personally and as a therapist. These powerful feelings can keep people so stuck and self-critical. Whilst feeling guilty can show us where we may be going wrong in life and not adhering to our values; shame feels more toxic. What is the point of shame?

I remember someone describing to me that the feeling of guilt is "I've done something bad." Shame is "I've done something bad so I am bad." This definition helped me to realise how toxic and unhelpful shame can be in our lives and again, I wondered what the point of shame was.

I recently attended a training course with Janina Fisher, a leading Trauma Specialist. She explained Shame in a very helpful way. She explained that some people who have been victims of trauma, neglect and abuse use Shame as a protective strategy. If we adopt a shame based posture: averting our eyes, collapsing our spine, bowing our head, rounding our shoulders, cowering; that may protect ourselves from further negative consequences. Imagine if we behaved in a 'shameless' way: confronted, challenged, argued back - we may have experienced further abuse and pain. So if we think of Shame as a protector, we can also start to see Shame as a 'Hero of our Story'.

The challenges arise when we continue to feel that shame in our Adult lives which negatively affects our self-esteem, our relationships. We can cognitively challenge this and acknowledge we did not to feel this shame, but to authentically overcome shame, we need to re-frame the shame and even thank the shame for protecting us. We can then ask the shame to step back (saying "Thanks, but no thanks, not today!")

We can also work with our bodies to overcome shame. If we adopt a typical shame posture and say to ourselves "I am worthless," we can really believe what we are saying to ourselves. But if we change our posture: lift our head up, strengthen our spine, shoulders back, and say "I'm worthless", it doesn't seem to fit anymore. Try it.

I am not suggesting that overcoming shame is a quick fix. People need space to process events that led to the shame, people need time to start to be compassionate to themselves and start to appreciate their shame and acknowledge the usefulness it once had. Ultimately, it is about recognising that shame no longer serves us well and we can start to experience the opposite of shame: PRIDE. That we are OK. We are good enough.